Smothered

It's happening again. After a long time.
Just when I got used to the feel of the breeze, the warmth of the sun's caress.
Im being pulled down under again. Thrashing in these tides that will only pull me deeper. Im struggling to stay afloat but it's difficult, all over again.
I feel smothered. I wanna escape but I cant. The momentary freedom I had...was it an illusion?
It was a cruel trick by the irony gods, if I can say so.

And the one thing that had been my safe haven, turned against me.
Does the heart ever forget heart break? No, I dont think so. Each heart break is harder than the last and after how many more will I truly break?

Do I seem easy to read? To decipher? I cant even read myself sometimes. And maybe that part comes from the part I hate the most. The one thing that I have never and will never admit to any one. I dont know why. Am I being strong or am I just ashamed? Am I scared or do I actually deep in my heart not care?
I scare myself. I do not know what I have become or where I am leading myself.

Maybe it's more peaceful under the waves?