Maybe I'm a flightless bird

I have a dream.

I want to be a dancer.
More than anything on earth, I want to be a dancer.

Why?
There are so many reasons. But the one I think is most plausible, is that dancing makes you feel like you're flying. It makes me feel like I can fly.

Then there are people who cripple my wings.
Like the story of the butterfly in metamorphosis. When it tries to break free the child helps it out of its cocoon and the butterfly has to suffer with crippled wings.
That's how I feel when people who think they're helping me see reality, tell me to focus on something I can actually achieve.
Maybe it's in best intention but even with these broken wings, I need to believe that one day I'll be able to soar. I need to have the satisfaction of showing everyone who never believed in me how high I'll fly.
I know I may be naïve and I know that in the end I might not be good enough. But I don't need my insecurities being voiced by people who I wish could support me and believe in me.

For 4 years, I gave it my all. I went through heart break after heart break, each time I wasn't promoted or given a crappy position where nobody would be able to see me dance. Heart break never becomes easier. And I don't want to have all of it, the pain and the tears, been for nothing.

People who may not know me but are perceptive and people who know me inside out, still do not know who I really am.
The day you see me surrender myself completely to music and dance my heart out is the day you know who I really am.

At the end of it, I want to believe I can fly by myself but I don't know if I can unless I know that there is at least one person who has faith in me. That there is at least 1 person who thinks I have what it takes to be a dancer, that there is a possibility that I can be a dancer.
But till I know, I guess I'll have to take the chance and fly solo. 

Outrage and peace

We’ve all heard the story.
She was a 23 year old girl who was coming back with her friend after watching Life of Pi. They got onto the bus where 6 men….
We all know how the rest of it goes.
The entire nation is appalled.
But my question is, why now?
Almost every single day, there is some rape case or the other. So why has the country precipitously decided to wake up now?
Yes, I understand the brutality of what happened to her. But rape is rape. And it is horrendous no matter how it unfolds.
It’s high time we did something about it. I do have to agree, it’s better late than never.

It’s amazing to see what a brouhaha this incident has caused and how Indian youth is reacting to it. Large hordes of Indian youth have been protesting against this obscenity at the president’s residence, the parliament and India gate. However, our so called ‘democratic’ government has only responded by having the Delhi police lead lathi charges, aim water cannons and throw tear bombs at the protesting masses.

However, no matter how valiant and noble the Indian youth have been and despite their honourable actions, we need to look at the other side of the coin.
Would this have happened if from the very beginning we taught our men not to rape? That rape is wrong?
We cannot sit and blame the government alone. At some level, we need to blame ourselves.
It does not start with changing your profile pictures or writing Facebook statuses about it or even protesting about it. It starts with introspection.
Recognize the problem and start instigating the solutions.
We can start by teaching our children, our siblings, our friends to have morally right values and to stand by them no matter what the situation is.
By creating awareness in schools and colleges, starting at the grass root level and then spreading it over the length and breadth of the country.
Gandhi said, ‘Be the change you want to see in the world’.
So if we want a clean, rape-free India, the change should start within ourselves.

Whenever I go to the nearby “hangout” area where kids of my age tend to meet up, wearing shorts , I get leering glances from all the rickshaw walas or drivers waiting outside. Well, all girls to be specific. They don’t even try to hide the fact that they are being lecherous. Often in shopping places like Janpath and Sarojni Nagar, men shamelessly grope women or eve tease them.
23% of total rapes in India occur in Delhi and there was a total of 568 rape cases in Delhi in 2011. It would have gone up significantly in the past year (obviously).

The fact of the matter is, even if police are around these areas, they are the least concerned. So I wonder, if the police don’t really care about the safety of the citizens, what’s the point of even having them around?
Police officers have said things like- “It is a social issue and it is impossible to come out with an initiative or strategy to curb such offences. Many cases registered are technical (with victim’s consent).” And even the President’s son has made casual remarks such as – “The anti-rape demonstration is a "pink revolution" by women wearing heavy make-up who think it is fashionable to protest.”

Our constitution says
“By the people, for the people, of the people”
Is it really? Let me tell you, if this is how much our ruling party or even the opposition cares, then they should know there is no way in hell that anybody is voting for the Congress or BJP in the 2014 elections! We may have the right to elect who to rule us, but it’s only as good as token power if our representatives care more about their money and power than they do about the citizens’ welfare.
What would the very same people say if this happened to THEIR daughters, THEIR wives, THEIR mothers? Would it still be “They were inappropriately dressed”, “ They were out at an inappropriate time”, “They were out with inappropriate company.” ???
No, it sure as hell wouldn’t. They would have moved heaven and hell to get down to the bottom of it if it happened to one of their loved ones. Come hell or high water, they would’ve ENSURED “JUSTICE” for THIER loved ones. But as long as it doesn’t concern them, they don’t have reason enough to care. So much for a welfare state, huh?
Our government unquestionably needs a wakeup call and leaders like Ms. Gandhi, Ms. Dixit and other women MP’s should have been at the forefront of this agitation.

So maybe the world didn’t end this year, but humanity sure did. We may all be living, but many are morally dead. So maybe it would have been better if the world did end.
Unless we follow in Gandhi’s footsteps and be the change in the world.

Don't belong

You try to push yourself into the puzzle,
But you only get stuck.
The jagged edges come closer and closer,
It seems you're out of luck.

Wishing, dreaming, all in vain,
It seemed so close but it's so far.
You are different, out of place,
Who they aren't is what you are.

You want to feel like you belong,
They fly sky high, happy, free.
But who are you to them?
Stuck on the ground, of lesser degree.

Do they like you?
You'll never know.
You'll try to please them,
But they want you to go.

They smile, they talk, to reassure,
It's only cruelty, false, impure.
Because they know they'll never take you in
You know it too, to your chagrin
So you decide to keep to yourself
To save you from hurt
You can't change them,
But your feelings, you can divert. 


 

Fragmented reality

I heard this song recently and I've been feeling the exact same way.
The lyrics are:-
Well I guess it’s been a while

Since I’ve seen the sunshine
Since I have smiled
And me, who’s so well versed
Is feeling so damn empty
Is at a loss for words
Forgot what it’s like
To just to feel okay
I’m praying for the day
When there is no more rain
CHORUS:
And I don’t wanna do anything but cry

Well I hardly feel alive
I’m going through the motions
But I don’t feel like trying
The hole in my heart is growing bigger by the day
I wish that I could crawl inside
Hide away
BRIDGE:

Oh, I’m so low
I’m almost to the bottom
And oh, nowhere to go
Even my soul has left my body

----------------------------------------------------------------

And again, every night, I'm trying not to feel the crushing weight of the depression. Even the numbness would be welcome.
And Im wondering if Im going for so many classes because dance is the only thing that takes my mind away from the soul eating problems of my reality.
And the physical pain is more than welcome. Pain is good. Pain reminds you that you are alive. An somehow it's so much easier to deal with than emotional pain.

Im sick of caring about losing people who dont even give a damn about losing me. I keep on running after like a stupid dog cause I think I'll lose them, but what's the point if the feelings aren't reciprocated. Maybe they aren't for me to keep. So Im just going to stop trying so hard. I will only do what's necessary. If they really want me in thier lives, then it's time they show it. Cause Im not going to prove my existence is necessary in thier lives. Let them decide on thier own. There's only so much I can do to try and save something that perhaps isn't meant to be saved.

Scared little girl

My mind fails to understand,


how my fragileheart feels.

The pain's still fresh,

and my mind still reels.

Lost in the confusion, the complexity,

the world.

In the end, what am I?

A scared little girl.

Beyond a naive world

Thank you for the hurt,


Thank you for the pain.

You see what I've lost,

I see what I've gained.

A world so beautiful,

Shrouded with darkened screams.

Luminious beauty,

Lost in broken dreams.

Wake up and see beyond

your self hurt world

Open your eyes

And see what's real.

See the beautiful truth,

It's your only life.

Stop dreaming of pain,

Stop dreaming up strife.

He is an architect

He is an architect.


He had the ideal image in his mind. So he decided to put it out there in the universe. He felt lonely, so he initiated this project. He drew it out, one step at a time, one day at a time. Slowly, patiently he bided his time, waiting for the perfect moment.

And as he came closer to it, elation filled his heart. The thrill of it gave him purpose in life.

The only question that plagued his heart was whether all his designs and plans would prove successful.

After pushing down the barriers, he started his real work.

He gathered his paraphernalia.

He could finally build his design.

With gentle hands he started constructing, put piece by piece together.

And when all was done, the happiness he felt couldn’t be described. Maybe there was a reason for him to live.

As the days passed by, the thought he couldn’t possibly want more.

But as the months passed by, he started questioning himself.

Was it really worth it?

Maybe, it was all just a life lesson. Are the things we love meant to fade? Do we need to break the things we love for our own happiness?

He decided maybe he was in over his head.

Without any regret, after all of the care of building it up, he demolished her heart and it lay around him like her now fragmented dreams.

A cruel scheme

A whisper escaped her lips,


He touched her icy finger tips.

She pulled away from his lies,

He was a dream in disguise.

The sugared words were not enough,

She didn’t think it’d be so tough.

She wanted more, a fairy tale,

Her heart lay out to be impaled.

What she felt, the bitter pain,

She felt she was going insane.

Did he ever want to share her dream,

Or was it just a cruel scheme?

Her tears now fell, freely, fast,

These tears for him would be her last.

She walked away, her pride intact

No more wishes so abstract

She’ll live her life, know her worth,

No more going berserk

She picked the pieces of her heart off the floor

She promised herself, no more.

CLIP 4

It woke me up all of a sudden. I say 'it' because I don't know what it was. A perpetually changing apparition. It was cold and it wanted me to follow it. I couldn't sense if it was sincere or sinister and I'm the type of girl who always listens to intuition.
I had just come back from the normal world...I hadn't been here in a long time and it upset Caleb. He doesn't like it when I don't come here for long periods. But I was confused and angry and I thought of all people he should.
Anyway, the apparition started pulling me out of my bed. And I didn't know how to respond. I mean I'm pretty used to weird creatures asking me for help but this one wasn't saying a thing...it just expected me to follow!
So I got up and and started following it. Right outside where it was pouring. Great. It's just my luck. My hair was already plastered to my face. It started running. I tried catching up. Damn, I didn't know they were that fast. We went through the gardens and then through the open land and then through the deserted market place.
Before I even realized what was happening a guy, maybe a bandit out of nowhere and shot an arrow into my shoulder. It didn't go deep but it hurt like crazy and it was bleeding. I couldn't exactly go back now and have the three of them heal me. So I had to continue following the damn apparition.
"I didn't know it was you! I'm so sorry!"
"It's alright. But don't you think you should make sure you aim at the right target?"
"I know but I ..I just didn- "
"It's alright. I need to go"
I hurriedly ripped part of my shirt off and wrapped it around my arm. After I removed the arrow, obviously
And I started after it again.
So now I was soaked and I was bleeding and possibly chasing an evil spirit. Just perfect.
It kept turning around and taunting me.
I hope Caleb, Felicia and Carrie don't realize I'm gone or maybe I should hope they do. Just in case.

It finally stops. And I have no clue what I'm looking at. I don't know if I'm hallucinating or seeing mirages. But it sure seems like it. And suddenly a criplling pain enters my body and refuses to leave. The apparition is trying to say something but I can only see red. I don't know how long I lay there but eventually I pass out with the pain.

After sometime, I come about long enough to realize it's still raining, the apparition had put some sort of pendant on me and someone calling out my name. But I was too weak to answer so I passed out again.
The next time I woke up, I was in Caleb's arms and staring into his worried eyes.
"God, Zoe! Don't ever do that again! Do you know how long we've been looking for you?"
"I'm-"
"I don't care! I was so worried that you were hurt and in pain and do you know what it feels like to actually find you in that situation?!", he said a bit too hysterically.
I had clearly worried the boy way too much.
I put my hand on his face and he stopped his hysterical rant
"Caleb, I'm sorry...It made me follow it"
"What? IT?", he asked bewildered and then he noticed the pendant and a whole bunch on emotions played on his face.
"What? Tell me, please!"
"Later...but promise never to do this again", he said in a resigned voice.
I simply nodded. I could see we were done talking till we got back.
So now, in the rain, he pushed back the hair that was plastered to my face and cradled me. He was clearly still freaking out.
Exhaustion sweeped over me and I just wanted to sleep.
"Caleb, I love you", I murmurmed.
He kissed my forehead, " I love you too"
With that I fell asleep and next thing I knew I was healed and back in my bed. With Caleb next to me.

Playing with fire

Passion, a truth to follow


Misery, the time to wallow

I want to play with fire

Will I get burnt?



Defiance, a rebel at heart

Obedience, a virtue apart

I want to play with fire

Though I might get burnt



Integrity, the value of men

Lies, the counter act sent

I want to play with fire

I don't think I'll get burnt



Add fire to fire

Only a bigger flame

Endless trouble

A timeless game

But I want to play with fire

I won't get burnt

False pretenses

Ok, Why am I such a depressing maniac?
Lets try to go to a happier topic.
Though I really suck at those.
Ok, I can't do it.

Ok, so you see someone, they look happy...but are they really?
Sometimes the people we think are the happiest are truly the people suffering the most. Sometimes I think Im blind for not seeing it.
I have this insane notion that I can bring about a change. What change? I don't know. But a change nonetheless. Maybe in a person or something I do...
And since Im stuck in my own little bubble for now, I just wanna make a change by making people happy. But Im really naive. I've failed at it again and again. I cant seem to make any one happy. Especially since Im sensitive and get upset easily. Im such a loser. But yea, no matter how many times I fail, I'll try again. I dont know which way to think of it? Am I trying till I succeed or am I just not learning my lesson?

Sigh, here goes nothin. 

Smothered

It's happening again. After a long time.
Just when I got used to the feel of the breeze, the warmth of the sun's caress.
Im being pulled down under again. Thrashing in these tides that will only pull me deeper. Im struggling to stay afloat but it's difficult, all over again.
I feel smothered. I wanna escape but I cant. The momentary freedom I had...was it an illusion?
It was a cruel trick by the irony gods, if I can say so.

And the one thing that had been my safe haven, turned against me.
Does the heart ever forget heart break? No, I dont think so. Each heart break is harder than the last and after how many more will I truly break?

Do I seem easy to read? To decipher? I cant even read myself sometimes. And maybe that part comes from the part I hate the most. The one thing that I have never and will never admit to any one. I dont know why. Am I being strong or am I just ashamed? Am I scared or do I actually deep in my heart not care?
I scare myself. I do not know what I have become or where I am leading myself.

Maybe it's more peaceful under the waves?

Caught in a web of deception

Lying....what is it?
Lying is the beginning of a web. A web which will hold fast for too long and break at the wrong moment.
You lie when you are scared of what truth will do.
But the fact of the matter is, truth will never hurt you. It's your actions alone that will cause pain.
There's no point of weaving this confusing labyrinth of a web because you're only going to get lost in it.
You might as well tell the truth in the beginning and take what you get instead of lying and then ending up being sadder than needed.

And if you think you got away with it. Think twice. You didn't. God still knows and so does your conscience. The truth will always claw at you till you break and the truth spills.

Lying is cheating a person of the knowledge they rightfully deserve.
Lying is for cowards
Lying is putting off the blame.

If you add fire to fire, you're only going to get a bigger flame and somebody will get burnt. The bigger the flame, the harder it is to extinguish. Put the flame out now and save everyone from a world of hurt and deception.

Webs are for spiders and liars. Which one are you? 

Sorting it all out

For so long, I knew what I wanted. But now, it seems like I was just deluding myself. Growing up isn't easy for any one. The confusion can drive you crazy.
To some there are so many possibilities. For some, there are none.
And the possibilities just confuse the crap out of me.
But nevertheless, if there are possibilities, there are options and if there are options, you know that you can get by.
If you lose hope, if you see no future, what good does that do?
So, maybe confusion is good. Because you can always sort it out. No one can go on forever without knowing whatever they want. It's not that complex.
It's kind of like a paradox. Life is easy but we are confused.
Why?
Is it too much for us to believe in ourselves, believe that everything happens for a reason?
Even this article is confusing. Can I convince you with confusion? Probably not.
But I'm sure, that you do know what I mean.
Maybe not in this context, but at some point of time you were confused. Perhaps you are confused.
But life goes on, and we need to move on with it. We can't let the confusion dictate us. Too much time gets wasted and its just not worth it.
So swallow your confusion and stride ahead with a clear mind and heart.